(this was written sunday night 2/17/13) i was on another -pam drug that i was having adverse reactions to. ativan (lorazepam) was what got me hospitalized in the summer. i just started diazepam on valentine's day & yesterday i had such a horribly extra crazy stiff day that we were thinking i just needed to increase the dosage the next day cus my mom was saying there was a guy with a stiff limb who reacted well to 25mg of it. my mom was bending my leg all day & putting my foot against my sofa chair thing & it would just pop out of place 15 seconds later. when i went upstairs later it was just not budging anymore, so i took my meds early at 7 & it took both of my parents to bend my leg cus my mom had no strength left. they turned out the lights while my dad was holding my leg bent in place & my mom whispering the counting of sheep, trying to calm me down. i always count sheep. i had to relax my face/stop crying. when i woke up it was dark out.. pretty used to that recently. stirring for about an hour, trying to go back to bed. when i checked my phone i was hoping it was 5, 6, or 7 in the morning. it was 1:41 & i thought 'you have got to be kidding me'. since i stopped taking benadryl two days earlier, i knew the drug was waking me up, craving more, just like ativan was with my withdrawal. i was also clock watching so intensely for my next dose throughout the day like i was when i was on ativan. anyway, i went to pee & my mom came into my room to bend my leg & put my foot against the wall (the usual). i called her a bit later because my left leg started spasming which has never happened.. i thought i was going to seize or something. i realized how overstrained my hamstrings felt.. excruciating pain & how i remembered always feeling that when i was on ativan. i told her, "it's this med. i'm having adverse reactions to it like ativan. can you please get me iced coffee & burnt toast" (iced coffee calms my racing thoughts/sedates me we found out when i was on my horrible ativan withdrawal & my dad had told us in the summer burnt toast is an old remedy gangs use (kind of like charcoal) to get bad drugs out of your system. she got got that up to me and i ate it all stuffed into my mouth with shaking hands & drank the coffee. my mom got me braced against the wall again & just when i was about to fall asleep again, i hear this crazy loud bumping music outside at 3AM. i thought it was my stupid teen neighbors being dropped off that live in my best friend's old house across the street. once again i thought 'you have got to be kidding me' and kept thinking to myself 'stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, it will go away soon, stay calm' then it got louder when a person got out. 'stay calm, stay calm'. after at least two minutes of this, which is a long time if you know time, i finally heard the music dissipating. 'stay calm, stay calm, stay bent' but shortly after, i stiffened out & i called my mom.. she came in.. i told her "stupid f*cking neighbors! i'm going to crutch over there tomorrow & tell them i am tired of their sh*t!" she told me my dad had looked out the window & saw it was the enquirer paper guy, probably drunk & got out cus he threw a paper wrong & that he'd be calling to report it in the morning. she adjusted me.. i had to get up & pee again cus of the coffee which i would have just slept through if the music didn't happen. so she had to adjust me again and i woke up a little bit before 7 & was looking forward to taking my clonozepam (klonopin) in the morning because, although it is also a -pam drug.. i had been on it for a long time & it hasn't given me adverse reactions. so today has been better. still stiff, but a lot better. i hate in order lorazepam, diazepam (though i wasn't psycho on it like ativan) & benadryl.. will never be taking them again. at least benadryl no more than a week because after long use, it starts no longer sedating.. but preventing proper sleep. i'm hoping i can sleep through the night again finally. i'm going to email my neurologist tomorrow since he will be back in the country.. he goes places every weekend.. about his plans about getting me into the MS clinic to get the rituximab & get a prescription for GABAPENTIN!!! stiff person syndrome is straight hell & not a joke. i'm not happy at all that i have to live with it now, but i'm hoping i can be on some drugs that have me comfortable/bendable. i don't care if i can't walk or dance.. I JUST WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE & not on so many crazy meds. i want old kayla back :( thank you for the prayers <3 once again.. (this was written sunday night 2/17/13)
